The One with Being in the Now

photo by the author

I practice yoga with a video app. I pause to swipe away notifications. The family chat group is active. My sisters send condolences messages. My mom’s dog passed away yesterday. I pause my yoga video and therefore my yoga practice to pass a ball back to my very alive dog Sissi. My dog wants to play. I want to do yoga. I press play again. I breathe in until I start breathing out. I breathe slower than the teacher counts the breath in the video. That makes me annoyed. The doorbell rings. I pause the video to open the door. My son comes home. He is hungry. I debate with myself. Do I want a moaning boy while I practice yoga? Or do I want to practice in peace later and feed the kid now? I want to sink into my breath again. In consequence, I walk to the kitchen. I warm up yesterdays’ noodles for my son. He is grateful for a warm meal. I am grateful to return to my yoga video. I breathe in. I breathe out. Now my dog Sissi moans. She wants to go out to pee. I pause the video. I get up. I remind my daughter of her today’s duty to walk the dog. She screams at me. She doesn’t want to go out with the dog. She is the middle of a crafting project. I scream at her. Why does nobody let me practice yoga in peace? I get back to my mat. I remember one of my self-help book I read in the morning. How to heal your inner child. I remember to calm down my inner child. My inner child always tries to be perfect. My inner child always tries not to annoy anyone. I expect the same behavior from my children. I want them to read my mind. I want them to not annoy me. Internally I apologize to my daughter for this double blame game. I get back to my yoga practice. I breathe in until I start breathing out. I ease into backbends. Backbends are heart openers, says my yoga teacher in the video. I finish my practice in peace.  Afterwards my daughter and I walk the dog together. The dog is happy. We are happy. On the street we meet a neighbor. She is watching a dog over the weekend. Eddy, the dog, has the same heart condition, that my husband Colin has. I want to adopt Eddy right away. Back home I video call Colin. Colin is in New York City. We are in Switzerland. He just returned to his friend’s house after practicing Aikido. I watch Colin taking out his contact lenses. Through the video, I see deep into his eyes through the silicone layer of the lens. Later that day I work on a mind map to find out the true purpose of my soul, an exercise from another self-help book. I already knew, that I need to write, speak, and read. Now, I also know, that I need to find a permanent home. And that I have to stay connected to the spiritual world. I am confused by the mixed messages on my mind map.

All of the sudden everything sparkles. My task is to find my home in this life. Having a nice house with my favorite 90s design objects is nice. But now I finally get it. Being at home means being at home in the present moment. Coming home means being totally settled in this split second, with whom and wherever I am. Everything sparkles even more in my inner world. Meditation equals coming home. And here comes the clue: Meditation = coming home = radical feminism. No blaming of missed opportunities in the past. No anticipations of unjust events in the future. No feelings of being disturbed. No feelings of not being enough. Instead, endless strength, kindness, and sovereignty. Finding your home in the present moment is living equality is radical feminism. Finding home is being the sovereign of your presence at any moment. I feel at home in the whole entire universe. I feel at one with Colin. Even though he is in New York with his friends, and I am in Switzerland with the kids, the dog, and my fulltime job.

Being at home and one with everything is exhausting. I pick up my phone to research more perfect furniture for our apartment.

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Thanks for reading.

Also published on medium: https://dorotheeking.medium.com/the-one-with-being-in-the-now-bcd04bf71e2b