The One with the Stroke
image by lookout Amsterdam
It all starts with not sleeping for a year. The sleep comes again. Then I establish my 5 am yoga routine. I do not want to take away anyone's time. To sleep well, I go for runs with my dog in the evening. My blood pressure is so low that I cannot sleep without moving anyways. 89 to 54.
It continues with dizziness. Then come feelings of being unprepared and overwhelmed. There are scheduling conflicts in my work day. Then I cancel appointments randomly. Then one evening on my early evening dog walk comes the twinge in my heart. A little later I do not feel my left arm. A few minutes later in the supermarket, my left leg feels lame, I have to drag it behind. On the phone, Colin convinces me to take it seriously. Before I go to the hospital, I decide to clean up so that the apartment looks good when I come back from the hospital. Also, I want to get a good night's sleep, before I check myself into the hospital. The next morning, I still have the symptoms. I ride my bike to the emergency room. They keep me right there. First, they put me on with a wheelchair. Then, they push me on a bed on wheels in the Emergency Room. I get tested: ECG, MRE, tube, blood tests, reflexes. I am wired up the whole day. At least, I had the presence of mind to take my cell phone to bed with me. At the same time, I regret taking my phone with me. All the emergency messages with friends and family drive me crazy. Heart attack? No. Mini stroke? Maybe. The doctors want to keep me here, just for a few days. I get pushed into a hospital room. My roommate is 38 years old, a single parent with multiple sclerosis. I get up at 5 am even to do yoga. On an incontinence pad in the hospital. The second night I refuse the thrombosis shot. I feel much better already.
After four days I am released. I push my bike home. What do I have? Epilepsy? Disorders? Stroke? I still do not know. In any case, I need to rest. I am on sick leave. The next day I am already back at the dog park. I feel dizzy. How does resting go if you have never done it before? How does a standstill work? I breathe. Later, I help my daughter with her homework. I make dinner. I become still. There are little things, that I know. Sleep is the most important thing. Then comes reading. Then comes yoga. I forget my ability to multitask. How do I make room for new abilities? There is a stupid saying that you have two lives: One starts at birth, the other when you realize you only have one. Thank you, dear God, for my second life. I have to learn everything anew. I say no to my old world and start listening to myself. I don't hear anything at first.