The One with the Yellow Star
image by the author
I have a vision board. Around thirty images stick to the wall next to my bed. The images are attached to the wall with round stickers in various colors. I decide that the Damien Hirstiness has to come to an end. I no longer want the colorful dots. I decide to reorganize my vision board. I remove the stickers. I take down all the images, affirmations, and postcards. The wall is almost bare. There is one last sign that reads: “3 Million Dollars.” I do not know what to do with it. I look at all the photos, clip-outs, and quotes. I throw away a photo that shows green woods, but also a metal fence right in the middle. I get rid of a picture of a kale salad, with pieces of chicken on top. I decide to let go of images of birds drawn by people I do not know. I realize that I outgrew the scenery of an American farmers market. I throw away the slogan “diversity instead of singularity.”
I feel like a sculpturer. I remove one layer at the time, to finally get to an essence. I throw away all the dotty stickers. I cut of pieces of paintings and pictures. I rewrite my favorite values and mantras. I take a big framed pin board to give my new vision board some importance. I start rearranging. The quote by Carry Brachvogel on the importance of having a personality as a woman, goes in the left bottom corner of the board. I put my drawing of a Kagu, a walking bird from the Marianna’s islands, in the right bottom corner. In between I pin an image of sheep, that remind me of the ones we had in my childhood. I add a photo of me as a four-year-old with our dog at the time, Zottel. I pin up a sculpture I made on a Danish beach. I love an image of Golden Retrievers running on a Dutch beach. A postcard with an Afghan Kilim anchors the different threads of my life. A photo of me, smiling in London. My dream house in Holland.
“Wellbeing, respect, relaxation, money, nature” – on one side. “Eros, power, abundance, and calmness” - on the other.
I honor my teachers on the left of the board: Me and Kino in the yoga studio. Jen on stage reading from her books. I put a copy of the Ashtanga Second Series, Nadi Shodana, to the right: Allow yourself to open up.
In the center of my vision board, I pin pictures of our dog Annabelle, the kids, Colin and me in the mountains. My favorite art work of the American artist Spencer Finch, colorful windows, goes up to the left. I put a photo of me meditating, even higher. Even higher my new slogans: “I am a speaker, I am the universe, I say yes.” I leave a lot of white open space at the top. Room to grow.
I am proud of myself: I removed all the things from my vision board one is supposed to like: money, fame, being a NYT bestseller writer. My mind is clear. I feel focused.
Something is missing though. I go to my daughters’ room to look for yellow colored paper. I cut out a yellow star. I put the star on the open white space on top. Now I am clear again. I think to myself, “I am a shiny star. I surrender into the universe. I am here to remind myself and others of their shininess.”
All of the sudden I see my vision board in a different light. I look at the yellow star on top. I see the brownish images at the bottom. I see Carry Brachvogel, the Jewish author who was killed in Theresienstadt. My gaze wanders up to the yellow star again. I mourn for Carry Brachvogel. I mourn for all the others. I feel my Jewish heritage within me. I mourn for my grandfather who could not live like he wanted, because of his “genes.” I mourn for everyone who died. I feel the burden of the Shoah in every cell of my body. I look at the yellow star again. This time it makes more sense. I am here to remind us all of our starriness.
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Thanks for reading. Also published on medium: https://medium.com/@dorotheeking/the-one-with-the-yellow-star-e5ed4996cfb1